Xianfeng Mou

(also Xianfeng Mu 牟仙凤)

This is the real Xianfeng Mou. I should have opened the diploma.

(Note: It is highly recommended that formal communications be sent through private carriers like Fedex or UPS requiring my direct signature to ensure delivery is made due to my unique circumstances–Xianfeng Mou)

132-3, Nimitz Drive

West Lafayette, 47906-3355, USA

Phone: (765) 418-3129 (not very reliable)

Email: swallowaswan@gmail.com (not very reliable)

For my research and teaching please go to

watchcloudsrising2.wordpress.com (main)

watchcloudsrising.wordpress.com

watchcloudsrising2.wordpress.com/teaching/passionate-teaching-and-sharing/

Xianfengmousrainbow.wordpress.com

xianfengmou.wordpress.com

Research and Teaching Interests

Comparative Literature: U.S., China, Britain.

World Literature

Chinese Literature and Culture (Mod&Con)

Women’s Studies

Poetics of the Novel

Multiculturalism and Ethnic Lit in America

English Composition

Education

Purdue University, Graduate School, Interdisciplinary Studies

PhD, Comparative Literature, May 2009, Distinguished Graduate

• Dissertation: One Hundred Years of Solitary Light: Rites of Passage for Modern American and Chinese Women Writers, 1899-1996
• Committee: Charles Ross (Chair) Professor, Director of Comparative Literature

Robert P. Lamb Professor, Department of English

Daniel Hsieh Associate Professor, Dept of Foreign Lit & Lang

Shaun Hughes Professor, Department of English

• Concentrations: American Literature; Chinese Literature; Women’s Studies, Narrative Aesthetics

My dissertation uses the historical approach, including cultural history, literary history, and aesthetic history, to compare and contrast the birth and development of modern American and Chinese women writers from 1899 to 1996. It examines six generations, three on each side (Chopin, Hurston, and Welty against Su Qing, Zhang Jie, and Wang Anyi). I discover and demonstrate that women writers in both literary traditions have traversed a similar three-stage cultural journey: a departure to find a self, a return to serve the community, and a second departure to embrace the entire humanity. Women writers adopt increasingly complex perspectives—from single to dual to multiple—while consistently lower their speaking positions to win cultural acceptance. Besides the three similarities, American women writers believe women can triumph over disasters, whereas their Chinese counterparts do not offer such guarded hopes. The project affirms agency, change, and cross-cultural understanding. The works studied include Kate Chopin’s The Awakening, Zora Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, and Eudora Welty’s The Golden Apples, against Su Qing’s Ten Years of Marriage, Zhang Jie’s “Love Must Not Be Forgotten,” and Wang Anyi’s Song of Everlasting Sorrow.

China Foreign Affairs University, Graduate School, Beijing, People’s Republic of China

MA, Foreign Linguistics and Applied Linguistics, July 1997

• Thesis: Approaching Translation from Cultural and Cognitive Perspectives—On Three Pairs of Heterological Differences between English and Chinese Sentences
• Advisor: Professor Xiaoping Ren

Liaocheng University, Liaocheng, Shandong Province, People’s Republic of China

• BA, English Education, July 1994, With honors.

Awards and Honors

• Awarded “Best Dissertation in Comparative Literature,” April 2009
• Financial award from Modern Language Association to attend the annual convention held at San Francisco, December 27-31, 2008
• Inducted into the Purdue Chapter of the International Golden Key Honor Society for exceptional academic achievement, leadership, and service to the community
• Purdue Research Foundation Year-Long Dissertation Research Fellowship, 2006-2007
• Literary Awards Competition, Purdue University. Honorable Mention in the Graduate category “Foreign Languages & Literatures” for my paper “Chinese Women’s Cultural Journey from 1946 to 1986: Analyses of Women’s Consciousnesses in Wang Anyi’s Chang hen ge (Song of Everlasting Sorrow)”

Publications and Presentations

“Cultural Anxiety and the Female Body in Zeffirelli’s Hamlet.” CLCWeb: Comparative Literature and Culture. 6.1 (2004) <http://clcwebjournal.lib.purdue.edu/clcweb04-1/mou04.html> Reprinted in Shakespeare in Hollywood, Asia, and Cyberspace (Purdue University Press, 2009).

“Kate Chopin’s Narrative Techniques and Separate Space in The Awakening,” revised from the first author treated in the dissertation, is submitted to the Southern Literary Journal hosted by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. 21 mms, pp. Dec 2009. Under review.

The Wang Anyi chapter of the dissertation, is being revised and intended for Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society. 40 of 90 mms, pp. 2009-2010. In-progress.

Presentations

“This Bridge Called My Compassion—Reading the Female Artists in Globalization through Eudora Welty’s The Golden Apples and Wang Anyi’s ‘I Love Bill’,” American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA). Annual Convention, Harvard University, March 26-29, 2009. Declined.

“Making Home in Art—On Eudora Welty’s The Golden Apples.” The Ninth Annual Purdue Graduate Student Symposium “Globalization: Questioning Nations, Borders, Identities, and Communities.” Purdue University, March 28, 2008.

“Portrait of the Artist as a Young Black Woman: On Hurston’s Construction of Janie in Their Eyes Were Watching God (1937).” American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA). Annual Convention, Princeton University, March 26, 2006.

“‘Embracing and Escaping the Communities: On Zhang Jie’s Articulations in ‘Love Must Not Be Forgotten’ (1979).” The Eighth Annual Purdue Graduate Student Symposium “Multiplicities and Transitions.” Purdue University, March 4, 2006.

“Negotiating between Conflicting Allegiances: Cultural Ambiguity towards Desire behind Pu Songling’s ‘The Painted Wall.’” Midwest Conference on Asian Affairs (MCAA), the 54th Annual Meeting. Michigan State University, September 2005.

“Transgender and Women’s Consciousness in Wang Anyi’s Chang hen ge.” “Trans/Positions—Feminist Inquiry in Transit.” Purdue University. April 2005.

“Dialogizing with Chopin’s Subtle Voice for Message in The Awakening.” College English Association (CEA). Annual Convention. Indianapolis. March 2005.

“Chinese Women from 1946 to 1986: Analyses of Women’s Voices in Wang Anyi’s Chang hen ge (Song of Everlasting Sorrow).” American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA). Annual Convention. Pennsylvania State University, March 2005.

“Politics of Fragmentation in The Handmaid’s Tale.” The Sixth Annual Purdue Graduate Student Symposium “Body-Politic, Language, and Nation Spaces.” Purdue University, March 2004.

Books Translated (Independent and co-translate)

Miller, Jonathan and Borin Van Loon. Darwin for Beginners (达尔文). Trans. Xianfeng Mou. Beijing: Foreign Languages Teaching and Research Press, 2000.

Ren, Deyao. Malanhua马兰花 (Malan—The Myth of the Magical Mountain Orchid). Trans. Xianfeng Mou and Shaoning Zhang. Beijing: China Children’s Theater, 2000.

Zhongguo chuanshi minghua 中国传世名画 (Celebrated Masterpieces of Classical Chinese Paintings). Co-trans. Haiyan Chen, Xianfeng Mou, and Shaoning Zhang. Beijing: Xiyuan Press. 1999.

Yu, Li. The Holy Spark: Rogel and the Goddess of Liberty（神圣的火花）Co-trans. Haiyan Chen and Xianfeng Mou. Paramus Park Mall, NJ: Homa & Sekey Books, 2006.

Zhang, Junyi. Chui paopao 吹泡泡 (Blowing Bubbles). Trans. Xianfeng Mou. Beijing: China Children’s Publishing House, 2000. It entered an international book contest in Denmark.

Teaching Experience

Introductory Composition—Creating Yourself, Creating Your Culture (ENGL 106, 4 credits). Postdoctoral Teaching Fellow. 2009, Fall, Purdue University. Independent.

• Design the syllabus, focusing on the cultural context when producing and consuming texts
• Train students to become careful readers, thinkers, and writers through engaging sophisticated texts
• Create a favorable environment for students to examine who they are and present themselves to the world through writing
• Help students to connect their constructed lives with the American culture and the global culture
• Train students to acquire college-level research skills and academic conventions
• Encourage students to take their life in their own hands and to affect changes where they can

World Literature 1700-Present (ENGL 267, 3 credits), Independent Graduate Instructor. 2009, Spring. Purdue University.

• Designed the syllabus from two pre-existing ones, but found the reading load suitable for a graduate course, delivered lectures and guided discussions
• Invented questions for as well as administered the mid-term and the final exam
• Designed all the paper topics and graded all the papers
• Surveyed the major intellectual and artistic developments in European-American traditions as well as in non-Western cultures
• Designed and maintained course materials in Purdue’s Blackboard Vista

Chinese Language and Culture (CHNS102, 4 credits). 2008 Spring. Purdue University. Independent Graduate Instructor.

• Completely responsible for every aspect of the course, except for designing formal tests, which were handed down
• Lectured the class, graded all homework and tests, maintained student records

Chinese Language and Culture (CHNS 101 &102, 4 credits). 2007-2008. Purdue University. Graduate Instructor. Co-teaching.

• Graded 8,500 to10,000 pages of homework, exams, oral tests, and kept grade records for forty-five students
• Lectured the class, and trained students to use the language well in real life situations

Introductory English Composition for International Students (ENGL 106I, 4 credits). 2004-2006. Purdue University. Independent Graduate Instructor. Mentored

• Taught and managed the course with key materials provided and a weekly group meeting in the first semester
• Significantly expanded and adapted the materials in subsequent three semesters but kept the guiding principle intact
• Trained students to accumulate knowledge by building up sequential projects across four genres in four sub-projects
• Taught students, step by step, to acquire college-level research skills, including both archival research and field research
• Designed, maintained, and utilized a course website
• Fostered a caring environment for the class as a learning community and motivated students to appreciate diversity and multiplicity in a global perspective

Introductory English Composition. Independent Graduate Instructor. (ENGL 106, 4 credits). 2003-2004. Purdue University. Mentored.

• Integrated academic research with community life for American undergrads at a research-oriented university like Purdue
• Combined academic writing with computer technology to meet the needs of the digital age
• Trained students to affect changes in their environment through rhetorical and technological sophistication and proficiency

American Spoken English. Invited Lecturer. 1996–1996. Beijing Yinghua English School. Independent.

• Intensively trained adult English learners to acquire intermediate spoken English proficiency
• Designed interactive class activities so that students communicated and accomplished specific tasks
• Observed amazing progress in students who invested serious time and effort in just three months

Comprehensive English. Invited Lecturer. (1995–1996, 3 credits). Capital Normal University, Beijing. Independent Teaching.

• Completely managed, lectured, and administered the class
• Trained college-level adult English learners to achieve in-depth understanding of articles produced by native English speakers
• Trained students to accomplish the same-level results as regular four-year English-major undergrads

Comprehensive English. Independent Graduate Instructor. (3 credits). 1995–1996. China Foreign Affairs University. No mentoring.

• Lectured, delivered, managed, and administered the course independently
• Taught this core course to college-level students to digest articles written by native English speakers from multiple perspectives, from grammar to stylistics and overall comprehension
• Achieved excellent results following rigorous standards

Introduction to British and American Societies. Independent Graduate Instructor. (3 credits). 1995–1995 China Foreign Affairs University. No mentoring.

• Introduced students to the cultural mosaics of the Great Britain and the United States, including history, geography, government, jurisdiction, education, election
• Provided students with adequate cultural background to facilitate their English study

Extensive English. Independent Graduate Instructor. (3 credits). 1994–1995. China Foreign Affairs University. No mentoring.

• Trained students to comprehend newspaper and magazine articles written by native English speakers
• Taught students to sharpen their reading skills, such as understanding the context, fast scanning, locating supporting evidence, and detecting signals of change
• Trained students to read effectively and sophisticatedly
• Relieved or transformed students’ anxiety over English comprehension into an acquired habit and even a pleasure

Bilingual Books edited (co-edit and independent)

Twenty single author titles of the 40-volume bilingual “Treasures of Chinese Literature” featuring Modern and Contemporary Chinese writers. Published jointly by the Foreign Languages Teaching and Research Press and the Chinese Literature Press. 2000-2001.

Tao Yuanming Shixuan 陶渊明诗选 (Selected Poems of Tao Yuanming). Beijing: Chinese Literature Press, 1998.

Wang Wei Shixuan 王维诗选 (Selected Poems of Wang Wei). Beijing: Chinese Literature Press, 1998.

Xiandai sanwen 现代散文 (Modern Chinese Prose). Cherished Dawn Blossoms series, 4th of six vols. Beijing: Chinese Literature Press, 1998.

Other Editorial Experience

Graduate Student Editorial Assistant of CLCWeb: Comparative Literature and Culture: A WWWeb Journal hosted by the Purdue University Press, 2002-2003

Editor at the English Department of the Foreign Languages Press under the China International Publishing Group (CIPG), 2001-2002

Editor at the English Department of the Chinese Literature Press under CIPG, 1997-2001

• Edited and translated classical, modern, and contemporary Chinese literary works for the quarterly literary journal Chinese Literature for international readers
• Interpreted for eminent U.S. and Chinese specialists cooperating on the U.S.-China joint publishing venture titled “Three Thousand Years of Chinese Civilization” hosted by the Yale University Press and China International Publishing Group

Scholarly Service and Community Outreach

• Invited to lecture on Chinese culture and Peking Opera to two classes of high school seniors at Central Catholic High School, Lafayette, Indiana, 2007
• Designed and contributed multimedia files on Chinese culture to the Chinese Program Resources Bank, Department of Foreign Languages and Literatures, Purdue University, 2007
• Contributed materials on Tang Dynasty poetry to Prof. Charles Ross’s “First Lines: Global Diversity” DVD project for which he received generous funding from the College of Liberal Arts, Purdue University, 2006
• Graded exam papers for Professor Charles Ross’s “Shakespeare on Film” course, 2006
• Prepared and written materials for Professor Charles Ross’s application to the Chiang Ching-kuo Foundation for International Scholarly Exchange under the American Council of Learned Societies. The grant, whose dollar amount totaling 50,000 U.S. dollars (to the best of my knowledge), has funded publication of the book Shakespeare in Hollywood, Asia, and Cyberspace by the Purdue University Press in 2009
• Developed class materials for the website of “Writing Your Way into Purdue” approach for English 106, under the Introductory Composition Program, Purdue University. 2003-2004
• Invited to lecture on Tang Dynasty poetry to Professor Charles Ross’s “World Literature” class, 2004
• Conducted Shakespeare research for Professor Charles Ross about materials in China and in the Chinese language, 2003

Graduate Course Work (PhD level)

American Literature and Culture

Contemporary American Fiction (John Duvall)

American Historical Genres (Robert Lamb)

American Literature Late 19^th Century (Robert Lamb)

American Literary Emergence/ Politics of Lit History (Ryan Schneider)

Women’s Studies and Narrative Studies (Seminar)

Contemporary Feminist Theory (Ruth Salvaggio)

Woolf in Context (Maren Linett)

Bakhtin Theories (Howard Mancing)

Gender and Literature (Samantha Blackmon)

Cross-Listed Seminars

World Shakespeare on Film (Charles Ross)

Comp Lit Function and Method (Shaun Hughes)

Chinese Literature and Culture

Late Classical Chinese Tales (Daniel Hsieh)

Modern Chinese Literature and Cities (Weijie Song)

Chinese Poetry and Painting (Chi-Ying Wang)

20th Century Chinese Fiction (Ai-Jen Wann)

Teaching Practica

Practicum in Teaching World Literature (Charles Ross and Shaun Hughes)

Practicum in Teaching Academic Writing with Digital Proficiency (Jessie Kapper)

Practicum in Teaching ESL Writing (Tony Silva)

Linguistics

Engl as a Sec Lng, Theor Fnd (Tony Silva)

Teach Foreign Lang in U.S. Universities (Mariko Wei)

Graduate Course Work (MA, two semesters for each)

Western Philosophies

Advanced English Writing

Contemporary English Prose

Comparative Studies between Chinese and English Languages

Stylistics

Comparative Studies between Chinese and Western Civilizations

British Culture and Society

American Literature

CHNS-ENGL and E-C Bilingual Translation and Interpretation (four semesters)

Professional Affiliations

• American Comparative Literature Association
• Association of Asian Studies
• Modern Language Association

References

Dr. Charles Ross

Professor, Director of Comparative Literature

Purdue University

Office Phone: 001-765-4943749

Email: cross@purdue.edu

Dr. Robert P. Lamb

Professor, Department of English

Purdue University

Office Phone: (765) 494-3776

Email: lambr@exchange.purdue.edu

Dr. Ruth Salvaggio

Professor of English and Comparative Literature

University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill

Office Phone: (919) 962-5481

Email: salvaggi@email.unc.edu

Dr. Daniel Hsieh

Associate Professor, Dept of Foreign Lang and Lit, Purdue University

Office Phone: 765 496-2255

Email: dhsieh@purdue.edu

Dr. Shaun Hughes

Professor, Department of English

Purdue University,

Office Phone: (765) 494-3775

Email: sfdh@purdue.edu

Dr. Howard Mancing

Professor, Dept of Foreign Lang and Lit

Purdue University,

Office Phone: (765) 496-1683

Email: Mancing@purdue.edu

You-yi Huang 黄友义

Editor-in-Chief, Vice President

China International Publishing Group

24 Baiwanzhuang Road, Xicheng District, Beijing, P. R. China, 100037

Contact Phone: 011+86+10+68328323

Email: cipg@cipg.org.cn

http://www.cipg.org.cn/

中国外文出版发行事业局
地址：北京市西城区百万庄大街24号 100037
email：cipg@cipg.org.cn
局办公室：010-68328323
局总编室：010-68995829
局国际合作部：010-68996113
局事业发展部：010-68998487

Shouyi Fan 范守义

Professor, Department of English

China Foreign Affairs University

24 Zhanlanguan Road, Xicheng District, Beijing,   P. R. China, 100037

Contact phone: 011+86+10+68323897

http://www.cfau.edu.cn/cfauEN/index.html

Yuan Ling 凌原

Editor-in-Chief (retired)

Chinese Literature Press

Affiliated with China International Publishing Group

Dossier

Delayne Graham, Administrative Assistant for IDIS Programs, Purdue University, Room 1289A Beering Hall of Liberal Arts and Education, 100 North University Street, West Lafayette, IN, 47907-2098. Tel: (765) 496–9629; Fax: (765) 494–3660.

Email: dkgraham@purdue.edu

I am living well.

I am using the following as a holiday reminder:

天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志， 劳其筋骨， 饿其体肤，行弗乱其所为，增益其所不能。

师者，传道，授业，解惑也。

天下事有难易乎？为之， 则难者益易矣。 不为， 则易者益难矣。

勿以善小而不为，勿以恶小而为之。

When writing about an author, I had a strange feeling that she has been forever misunderstood and she most probably will continue to be understood. The reason I think is she is classical in spirit but quite postmodern in literary techniques. Therefore, it is always difficult to others to reconcile the two together in one person at the same time.

Modern humans are corrupted in spirit but postmodern in techniques. Classical authors are classical in spirit but not postmodern in techniques. To combine these two in one person is even more daunting and perplexing. No wonder she is not understood nor appreciated.

CNN is airing its worldwide heroes holiday special, the best of the human beings around the world.

At the same time, other TV entertainment programs are putting on the worst cases of human behavior in the past year.

The best and the worst are shown at the same time. Maybe this is democracy.

Each of the heroes are ordinary people doing extraordinary things, extraordinarily good things. They provide hope for those around them. Some of them had experienced some personal tragedy. Some do not. But they rise up against life, refusing to let life beating them down.

Some heroes just have a big heart. Right now one such hero is feeding those who had to go hungry for being out of job, or whatever reason could not find a meal. Just give one meal. He is a school bus driver. His entire family is involved in preparing the meals.

It is people like these we should look up to. Charity gestures from the rich and wealthy shall also be praised. Any charity acts should be respected, especially performed by those who the world usually considers not being able to reach beyond themselves, deserve special recommendation.

Such acts compare so strikingly with those acts that seek to steal, rob, plunder, and defame. Before the CNN heroes, the latter have no choice to hide in darkness. Or they can choose to step out and change.

These heroes expand life possibilities for those that cannot expand their lives themselves.

Such heroes seek to right wrongs themselves, and never give up.

Changing life for the better. Girlchild network, transforming abused women into strong individuals embracing life, not shutting out life.

Betty, the founder of Girlchild network, rescued countless women who were abused. Rape, in that country, is used as a form of war. She also needs to fight against the myth that a HIV positive man can be cured by having sex with virgins.

That myth sent down horror down my spine.

I wonder whether that myth is alive elsewhere, too. To think virgins, and even female toddlers experiencing the worst possible that can happen to a girl, a rape and HIV victim at the same time.

Many of the heroes care for the children. Children are the most vulnerable, and their life are still waiting ahead. They should have a better future.

Save the children. Save the girls.

Save the girls. When the girls are used as tools for garnering power, or they are sexually abused, or they become victims when cultures come into conflict, girls need to be saved.

I must fight against abuses against girls, no matter what pretext is used.

Now I have mixed feelings towards some women in my lives. These women are vicious. They also need to be saved, by God this time.

One hero is fighting against cancer. One woman is fighting against cancer, fighting for right to early examination.

My friend Marlene beat breast cancer in her late fifties. While she was beating cancer, I was going through the darkest period of my life. Some human snake was carrying out vicious plans, collectively, to destroy my life in every way possible.

I put every ounce of my strength into the battle. I also had to fight for another person.

My friend is living well. I have received a Christmas gift from her. I will be sending my love and admiration to her.

I only stayed with her and her husband for a week when they visited Beijing 13 years ago. Somehow they both decide I am a friend.

How can you know someone in such a short period?

Their feet grow on their own legs; their head on their own shoulders. No need to claim or blame anybody.

Everyone should be held accountable for their own decisions.

The devil exists. That is for sure. But there is no need to act like this or that.

When does somebody have to apologize or worse still to be ashamed of what I have done? I myself do not feel the need at all.

I was the one that was mainly hurt. I was thrown out of the kingdom first on account of being “not worthy.” I affirmed that I brought a new life. I have brought love, the real thing. I extended my hand again and again.

It is because the other’s life is dry and sterile. The heart is hard as rock, dry as a dessert. It takes a miracle to change that.

I was refused, not the other way. If some thinks their life so wonderful and abundant while my life not so abundant, I can live my life my way.

Some should remember although they seem to have material abundance, they lack the spiritual abundance. They never have had real love or care. Very much like Citizen Kane. Remember its name Charles Foster Kane. The culture always feels like a foster child to the British culture, the cultural mother it has wanted to claim but cannot. And the story between Kane and Abel in the Bible tells a lot about the relationship between Britain and its foster child America.

Now America has finally made Britain to tag along, America should be very happy. How come it has anxieties?

Between the mother and the child, the child will always grown stronger while the mother will grow weaker.

That is a natural process. It is also a natural process between the older generation and the younger generation.

The older generation has to let go, after a time limit. There is no point in holding the younger generation permanently back.

One of my classmates still hasn’t graduated. In order to vie for favors, she has done something horrible to me, too. What is the point? Nobody is cutting off my head, even if they possess the technology know-how.

I said and behaved honorably during the entire process. Somebody refused the real stuff and welcomed the fake. That is their fault. But they do not have the right to waste my life like that.

It is my life. They can waste their own life but they do not have the right to waste mine.

I remembered seeing a movie. A rich man took two women into a boat and was attempting to sail across a sea. They got caught in a storm. The man refused to call for help. The woman insisted on calling for SOS to the coast guard. “This is my boat!” the man roared. “This is my life!” the woman retorted. She radioed off the coast guard or a ship nearby. And they were saved. If she listened to the man, they would already end up in some fish’s belly.

After all that has happened, after I have done what I have done, nobody has any right to cut off my head, or wreck my life.

To be frank, I even lost my interest in a so-called marriage proposal. I do not perceive any change.

No change in behavior patten, no change in life. It would just replicate what always had come before.

Every woman that was loved by the man met their death. Now that is a good sign for a sensible woman like me to go ahead and jump in.

Somebody did not change a bit in three or four years, abusing every woman to death. Why should I go and ask myself to be abused, starved, worked to death? That is not a bright future for me to look forward to.

Besides, fundamentally the women were treated like crap, like dirt. If a woman does not have the strength to go away, they all end up abused, cut up, and dead.

I want to live. I do not want to die.

To live means to depart.

can live perfectly in my previous and after situation. I have cut off that “present” moment. Those are the posts.

They now shall attain their existence, no matter how transient it is.

This a second post for today already.

Let me jot down one moment. Some meaningful moments in life that glittered our usual uneventful life, like small gems.

It was a story during my Master’s days.

I seldom stayed overnight, either in work or entertainment. But my first overnight experience happened during the New Year Dance at Foreign Affair College.

Of course, something unusual happened. There must be a story.

During the night, one man asked for a dance. He was very tall, wearing a leather jacket. I did not get a chance to see his face. He was too tall. In high heels, I only reached to his chest. And I guessed he was not from the College, for college students seldom wore leather jackets.

I was fairly thin, then. Some might comment I was skinny, at most 45 kilos. Converted to pounds it was equal to 100 pounds.

My best friend had already started to work after getting her Bachelor’s degree. I went on to my Master’s study. She sent me a skirt made in South China. It was simple, shapely, and stylish, in light green and dark green stripes running from top to bottom. Its long, silver-color buttons also ran from top to bottom in the front. I had always liked the dress. It went very well with a pink woolen sweater with a high turtle neck. When I wore my hair up, I looked like a woman from the 1930s Shanghai, in my classmates’ eyes. Classic.

I believed I was in that dress and that pink sweater that night.

I do not get close to people that easily. In fact, I have been told that I look offhanded. I am not easy to get close to, either. I always hold others at an arm’s length. I do not feel like being invaded.

With only one or two exceptions.

The man held me closer than I was comfortable with. And he joked that the reason I was skinny was probably due to the fact that I did not pay enough attention to what I ate.

Of course, his remarks was more concrete than that. But it was not that flattering, so better leave it at that.

After one dance we sat next to each other. I had the strange feeling that I could sit next to him for the rest of my life. I did not know whether he had the same feeling or not.

Then another classmate came and asked for a dance. That classmate was famed for being a very good dancer. I did not know whether he had the intention of further development then. But lots of girls liked to dance with him. He also played the gentleman, I guess. I did not particularly take to that kind of men. I prefer solid, dependable guys. Right now he is in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, trying to “reform the Ministry,” in his own words. I hope he is doing very well.

The classmate liked to show off his dancing partner. And he guided and glided me across the entire dancing floor, making the widest circles. I was fairly good at dancing then. But I tended to lose direction the moment I was off his hand.

After the dance was over, I returned to my original seat. The man was no longer there. He was nowhere to be seen for the rest of the night. He was no where to be seen till this day.

I am not that kind of “floating women,” gliding easily from one man to another. If he formed that impression, he was mistaken. I learned the phrase “floating women” now, twelve years later, here in Indiana. Vast distances in time and space.

I did not know his name. I did not even get a glimpse of his face.

Later my classmates told me he was very handsome.

I wish he is having a very good life right now. He must be. I have never thanked him for that feeling. Or he might have forgotten it already , among all the hustle and bustle of a busy life.

Saw the notice about another ball, here in Indiana. So I remembered that dancing night. I do not know what decisions to make about the current notice, though.

A song titled California Hotel sings: Some people dance to remember; some people dance to forget.

If he danced to forget, it was better that way. If he danced to remember, it was a regret. After that, I have never had the feeling of sitting next to a man, shoulder to shoulder, for the rest of my life, again.

Shoulder to shoulder.

What about heart to heart?

Life is life. Some give up too easily. Almost obscene.

I also had an inkling of why he said what he said.

A dry heart and a dry well means lack of love and lack of life. Living water from a live well means abundant life and a refreshing life, a life full of vitality and energy.

That is the price he paid for making the wrong choice. He chose a woman who has brought nothing but death whenever she opens her mouth and in whatever she has done. That is what characterizes the devil: death, doubt, and destruction.

I am not sure of the very original situation though. Maybe that has been his life strategy, not short-term strategy.

That is the reason, after that point, whenever he gives, it is always something that looks good but actually non-existent upon closer examination.

He should consider himself lucky that he has been genuinely loved. Now he can wipe out the bitterness and his terrifying behavior. I am absolutely terrified by what have happened in recent years.

Maybe that is also what this culture has been focusing on. Unhappiness results from the wrong kind of priorities, or pursuing the wrong thing, one source say.

Speaking of reproduction, nowadays there are lots of assisted technologies available. It seems life has finally returned to the body. Maybe it is time someone goes through a thorough physical examination.

No matter what, it is better than dragging your heart in chains on the ground. I am not going to Fort Wayne.

I do not like someone who is extremely violent. I am very gentle. I do not like to be terrified of someone I love. I do not like to be “terrorized.”

Why people do not believe in their own heart? It is not a short fling lasting one week. By now, that point has already been more than amply proven. Stop being unbelievably selfish, both to themselves and and to others. Go and have an examination, and believe for once no matter how bad they have been, an impossible thing has happened, and they have been saved by real love, not bartering.

I won’t approach until I feel completely safe. That means someone has to completely give up their sword and armor, as well as their linguistic bites. Before then, I will not come real close.

A renewed body, a renewed life.

A decadent life will never lead to a renewed life. Believe me on that point. A decadent life makes one sink down and down and down. It always takes, exploits, but never replenishes. One must move upward towards an upright life.

Last night, for the first time, I saw an African American woman. It looks as if she is standing in front of an African Museum. There is a big well in front of the museum. Someone gives her a big jade cup with golden rim. I can even see the jade carving. She is told to take water from that well with the jade cup and drink from it four times. The cup has a flowering out rim, not in the shape of a tumbler. The color is dim green, not limpid green. The quality of the jade may not be first class. But it is very big. Looks expensive and perhaps valuable. The woman says she is an antique dealer. She drinks from the cup once, and pours the water around her in a circle, whereupon I wake up.

That cup is much bigger and more expensive than the one  I once saw. The one I saw was very dainty, more delicate, more elaborate, and it has a matching saucer to go with it, of green and white jade. But the man took it back when I told him to wrap it up. He heard me wrong and he thought I was telling him to bottom it up.

Someone hasn’t been listening to me, and that has been reflected even in my dreams. The years have already proven that. No more words.

I also see a very dusty chair with a very dusty study table, placed on the lawn. It looks they haven’t been used in a very long time.

I often have such strange visions. This one, I believe, maybe harmless to tell. Other visions I have learnt to keep to myself.

Maybe the man is an antique dealer. I once visited another American home through a Japanese friend. That Japanese friend is now in Iowa, married to a Danish husband. The American man has a Japanese wife, who is a friend of my Japanese friend.

That house is of full of antiques, from around the world. It is very interesting to visit the couple and listen to all the stories behind each piece of antique.

Anyone who is shallow and believes Americans are only interested in food and sex shall slap themselves.

The next step cultures take is to purchase culture, both tangible and intangible. Cultural products and cultural artifacts, even talents.

I am very valuable, you know, especially my brain. Please do not think I am cheap.

I am definitely not going to a regional campus. Somebody got to look within their own heart, taking it out and examine it under a magnifying glass, see what is in there and who is in there.

Speaking of who following whom, the one who gets the better chance shall lead. That is why I have always admired a young faculty’s wife. The wife got to chose been the institution of her husband and a much better university along the eastern coast. The wife put down her feet and chose the one she liked. I keep telling people how I admire her immensely for her courage. I used to follow men.

Now I do not.

If I get a better chance, the man, young or not so young, must follow me, because that is a better chance. Besides, he needs to move out of his comfort zone and challenge himself a little bit. For God’s sake, do not drag me down.

Move up. Move up. Now I am learning not to sell myself short.

For God’s sake! I am calling.

***

Of course today I am not telling the truth. I am not asking for funding in that dress. I do not need to go to that length for funding.

Ha ha, I never tell what I really think, or what I really want, for that matter.

Somebody else is doing the same. Only sometimes when they tell the truth, I tell them they are not.

TV is commenting on women breaking into the Boy’s Club.

When a woman says she does her best at her job, that is not considered “an admirable quality,” according to the good-hearted Suze Orman.

***

Read my introduction about myself on the international page. Cannot help smiling. I can be very humorous indeed.

Wonder why a few have bothered to make my life so painful? They must have been very envious indeed!

***

Saw this phrase: Quietly brilliant! Like it.

One does not have to shout at the top of one’s lungs to get noticed.

Quiet brilliance shines steady and long!

Therefore, do not subscribe to certain people’s belief that any publicity is good publicity. Entertainment stars sometimes use bad publicity to get noticed when no longer closely surrounded.

However, bad publicity leads people to question someone’s character and integrity. That is not my cup of tea.

I do not need to be that desperate. Me thinks I am an integrated being.

***

Boy, it is hard to be beautiful. Am I glad to get out of that constricting dress! One has to dress one’s part and play one’s role.

***

How many positions do I have to apply to this time? When will the stone show out of the water?

***

Sometimes I do not see life as neatly as governed by mathematical formulas. I must be a very poor investor indeed, always invest the most but tend to get poor returns.

I am governed too much by the heart.

If I want to survive in America, I have to forget about it. Most people live by their brains only. Wonder whether that will make me happier.

***

Self-examination shows I tend to expect too much. But then I was also told “fearlessly being yourself.” Maybe that is the part where I cannot change. I can adapt to different situations pretty quickly. Can’t remember how many different student bodies and classroom situations I have managed so far. Of course, I have also changed a lot, sort of releasing my desire to control my own life to a certain extent.

I used to think I should control whatever I could, for too many factors are out of my control.

Life is both a becoming and a being. Being is a relative concept. Becoming a stable constant, me thinks, to copy Shakespeare.

***

Remember Richard Wright once has a story titled “Native Son.” I might have misremembered its title.

It is a story about a young African man who worked in a rich white man’s mansion. But for one reason or another, he found himself in the daughter’s room. Part of his task is to act as her bodyguard. The daughter had a strong sense of social justice, so she was quite socialistic in her thinking then.

When he found himself in her room, he inadvertantly smothered her to death due to his fear of her shouting out when startled.

Lots of developments after that.

I only remember one detail though. When finally in custody, everyday he would read the newspaper reporting of his case, then prepare his defense accordingly.

In this way, the reporting, which of course fed on the frenzy of a racial rape, became more real to him than the truth that he smothered her due to his fear, not because an act of rape had actually happened.

***

Many Chinese in their thirties remember a humorous film star named Ge You. He is very funny. He is not exactly handsome according to Chinese standards. But he is a serious actor.

He is also very serious about his image. Once a newspaper mentioned that an ad features his portrait. The ad flooded Beijing. Ge You happened to see that one of the ad was stepped on by pedestrians.

He immediately pulled out from that advertisement.

In this aspect, I think the Americans tend to be very brave. They can make fun of themselves in every aspect of their life. Flooring themselves. Then perhaps people will say he or she is one of us.

Americans tend not to like high and mighty public figures.

By extension, Americans tend to be very honest and open with their bodies. One often hears TV comments: We like the earthy feeling of the dance, of the song.

These dangerous generalizations and observations! It really is hard to say, though.

Don’t people say one man’s meat is another man’s poison? Teaching language has become many men’s and women’s meat, but it has turned out my absolute poison.

In verse, teaching English composition may be their poison, while it may not be my meat, at least it won’t kill me as language teaching had done.

Where is my best meat? I am still trying to figure it out.

People are vastly different, therefore have to be treated differently.

It has nothing to do with the environment here, or environment there. The reason is really simple: if a man completely relies on a woman to conduct his business and his living life, he cannot survive in that environment. He has to go live in an environment he can survive.

It is not right a small woman like me has to carry a man through his entire life. I do not have that ability. Nor do I have the desire.

Shoes may indicate a lot of things. They may indicate protection. They may also indicate marriage, as we know marriage offers protection from the big bad world. Depending on the cultures you come from, it may also indicate a transaction. I offer you this, and you give me that in return. It signals mutual interests. In a sense, clothes, in spiritual terms, not everyday terms, also indicate protection and identity.

If I see my shoes stolen and my clothes either stolen or ripped off, that tells me lots of shady characters are doing whatever they can to harm me, without my apparent knowledge. But I always have a way of knowing. Let’s borrow a convenient cover here and say God tells the woman the inside state of affairs.

Ever since the date I dreamed a woman from a small island stepped on my hind heels and I lost my shoes, for quite a few years I always dreamed walking on icy road with bare feet. Somehow my protection left me.

Last night I dreamed a strange dream, a man was walking in my high heels and he was very short compared to me.

I had told him sorry I had to leave him. He is too heavy for me to carry.

A man probably could carry a woman through her life, especially in the American culture where one often sees staying-at-home professional homemakers with the family supported entirely by the husband’s earnnings.

A few men are more able, for they can probably carry more women for a short while through their tough times. But only for a very short period, only when they think the women are worthwhile.

The criteria are very capricious. Nobody knows what exactly makes them dig their heels in.

***

This makes me shift to my unfinished task. Someone lost one of their shoes and it seems I have to put their shoe on, perhaps a new one.

***

I have already declared why I left the first man. The reason is completely different from everybody else’s guess. But if I cared what other people think, I would not have done it in the first place.

I know what it is and I know what I want. That is my original thought, of course.

But later on,  to my great disappointment, I find it is easy for me to leave one shore, but hard for me to arrive at another shore.

The second man, which I thought to be the other part I am looking for, is impossibly to deal with. He is three identities rolled into one: a spoiled boy, a king in his late years, and a high priest, all of them demanding 100 percent obedience.

In one word, he considers himself infallible. He never ever in his entire life makes one misjudgment.

This is a very dangerous position to stand in. And every easy for others to manipulate. Many unscrupulous persons have used his over-confidence to get what they want. And they are always successful.

Even if he makes one misjudgment, he would do everything he can, risking 100 other misjudgment to cover that one up instead of remedying that one. He is too proud to adopt that approach.

But that does not mean he cannot change. The question is changing him is mightily hard. You will move one mountain away than you would attempt to change him.

One day I heard one TV commentator say heroic people have heroic flaws. He is referring to the Kenneday family.

It might also apply to the man. He never believes in anybody except himself.

Where does this leave me?

Would he rather put me in prison for the rest of his life? For God’s sake, my only mistake is I loved him.

Everybody loves him, I once was told.

I think he knows what is what, who is who. I see people as they really are, not as they profess them to be, declare them to be, or pretend them to be.

Just as my letters, I know why certain people wrote certain letters in a certain way. There are two I always trust. There are some I trust most of the time. There are a few I trust sometimes and I do not sometimes. There are some I never trust.

Just like I deal with those I have encountered in my life.

Where are my shoes? Where is my rainbow?

Officially I am already 36 today. A few days earlier but that is ok.

I’d like to let the authority to make decisions, but the decisions always work against my interests how am I supposed to follow them and pretend I am happy?

I am not happy, so I am not going to pretend I am.

I remembered the manager by the name Hurstwood in Sister Carrie. I remembered my comment on him: He could never make a decision and once he did it was a lousy decision, after his big fall into mistake of taking money from the safe of the cabinet.

Finally he ended up killing himself.

i have always disliked the literary theme of naturalism: the theme that believes human beings are slaves to their desires.

Quicksand believes one is held slave to one’s sexual desires.

If one wants to rise up against the environment at all, one must learn to control the desires, or beat certain desires.

That is why people say it is easier to conquer others but much more difficult to conquer oneself.

I know someone wants to conquer me, or break me. At one crucial moment, they have forgotten their love. After that, all they could remember, or all mean-spirited persons can stoke the fire, is revenge and perhaps even hate.

I loved people. Let’s shift the perspective and finish this business, shall we?

Remembered Welty’s Golden Apples. Who wanted whom to be “people.” Roaming beasts. Lost animals. Small town mentality. Life tragedy.

I should have been allowed to go a long time ago.

This is not my place. Fate dictates that I will not stop here.

I fell sleep over my computer. When I woke up, half an hour already past.

“I am going back.” I told another grad student still working in the lab, looking for a job.

***

How tired I am? You know you are tired when you tell somebody in your dream that you are dying.

It was in my dream. It seemed I went back to my native place. And I was asked to teach a few English classes to some first or second graders. My very first English teacher was welcoming me, I guessed. I also met my cousin. It seemed he was helping me with the exam papers, which had a few corrections to make. My eldest sister was also there. (Her little girl, my niece, was studying English.) I was counting how many buttons a small girl has on her blouse.

I told my English teacher I was dying. I could only teach a few classes.

Maybe the principal is making a speech of some sort. My eldest sister commented even I have also changed.

“Did I tell folks home if they want more of my teaching they would have to pay me big money?”

That is my reflection upon waking up.

What am I going to tell the kids?

I started learning the English language at the age of 12.  I took to it like a duck takes to water, were I allowed to use a threadbare cliche.

Shall I tell the little kids it is really very easy to learn the English language, but it is extremely difficult to embrace the spirit deep within the language?

How am I supposed to tell little kids what I mean by the “spirit?” Or shall I use another cliche, when you learn the language you will think like an American, a British, a Canadian, or an Australian? It would be so easily mixed with preaching the pop cultures from these countries.

Or shall I encourage them if you study English well, you will go to America?

Many of my classmates here must have believed they have studied the language and the American culture very well. One of the cultural mandate is once you have become an adult, you must sleep freely with any adult, for any benefit. If you want to prove you are very valuable, you must ask the highest price when you do this.

Shall I encourage the little girls and little boys some day their English would be so good that even Americans will be envious of them?

I am not sending the kids to such a condemned state of existence. It is not a nice state of existence should one unlucky soul finds himself or herself in it.

Maybe I shall tell them do your best but remember to look around. Remember to blend yourself with the environment. Do not be too outstanding.

I am afraid the children may not be able to understand what I mean.

Or I will have to tell what one writer has said: You have to live your life yourself. Your mama and your papa can’t live it for you. You have to go there to know there. And you have to find your own God.

People in the know would say: You are being a copy-cat. You are copying Hurston.

Save the children! Save the little girls!

People in the know would also say: You are being a copy-cat again! You are copying Lu Xun!

I am not copying Lu Xun. He was a man. I am a woman.

I said: Save the little girls!!

Save the girls.

That is why Wang Anyi, who does not have children herself, tell Chinese women, go back and live behind your husband.

The world is too tough for a woman.

Of the six women writers I have covered in my dissertation, only two of them created heroines that had children: Kate Chopin and Su Qing. All the rest did not create children for their leading female characters. Wang Anyi did let one of her female characters have a girl, but the little girl was more of a means to her existence than a testimony to her love.

Chopin lets an advanced family doctor tell a young mother children are nature’s decoy to perpetuate the human race. Blasphemy!

What a woman is good for if she does not give birth? She is totally useless. She has no “use” value!

Between Kate Chopin and Su Qing, only Su Qing created a leading female character that has a girl. In fact, her leading female character Huaiqing gave birth to a second girl, who did not survive the Japanese “entry” into Shanghai. The girl died while Shanghai residents fled to the countryside. I read it as Su Qing’s way of telling war casualties on human life. Su Qing the writer cannot possibly let her protagonist Huaiqing die, because if she dies, there will be no more stories to tell.

Kate Chopin, in her real life, married very young, had six children in rapid succession, and quickly became a widow probably in her early thirties.

She is quite merciful to her heroine Edna in The Awakening, who only has two boys. If Edna had a little girl, she might not be able to survive and embark on her journey of artistic development. She can brush everybody away, but she definitely cannot brush aside her own little girl.

That is why the Bible says to be a mother is a curse, not a blessing. But the Bible also says to have a boy is a blessing. But blessings have different classes. Sarah’s blessing is a real blessing while Hagar’s blessing is a cursed blessing.

That is total blasphemy.

God might be a woman.

Blasphemy! Profanity! Outrageous!

Whoever creates with love is God! Those who do not create is not God. Those who do not create with love is not God.

Only love is God.

In Chinese mythology, it is Nvwa, the Goddess, who patched up the leaking sky, in reference to the great Biblical deluge. And the world was created by a brother and a sister. Strangely they are both snakes. I do not know whether Pangu is the name of the brother, for he separated the sky from the earth.

I need to study Chinese mythology and compare it to Western mythologies.

A snapshot: During one of trips back to my native place, when I was still a phd student in this American university, my eldest sister asked my niece to read to me from her English textbook. My niece, following the Chinese tradition, read it very loud.

“You are very good,” I remembered I told my niece.

Today I shudder when I think back. If I was not careful and said something slightly discouraging to her, I might have killed her enthusiasm for studying English, once and for all.

I am, in her eyes, an expert.

Fortunately it is in my nature to encourage and to affirm.

Maybe that is my calling, my destiny.

But I am very tired, because others are not as encouraging or affirming to me.

If I marry an American and give birth to a boy, or to many boys, I would be much more valuable to America than I am right now.

Even if I do not marry an American, and still give birth to a boy, I would still be much more valuable than I am today. But the question is I do not like giving birth out of wedlock.

I have always had God–unconditional love–within me.

But we do not want to talk about Chopin. She talks too loud and she is too hard for people to stomach.

We want the quiet Welty. Welty might not be that beautiful or does not talk that loud. She has also learned to talk from a distance. She has also learned to break up her self and absent herself from her text.

I am a very quiet observer. I had thought I talked like Welty or Wang Anyi. It seems people have different opinions.

The question is no matter how deeply Welty and Wang Anyi hide themselves, their cultures still demand them to hide more and more.

It is called “virtuous transactions,” as Rey Chow has aptly termed it.

Aren’t I a most virtuous and noble woman around?

But you are disobedient.

I thought I am the most obedient woman around.

Perhaps you should be more submissive.

But then many people tell they appreciate women of loose virtues. They like easy women. Neither Welty nor Wang Anyi, however, is easy to understand.

They appear to be so, though.

Hush, hush, stop talking!

In my next life, I am going to be born a man. Every one around pitied my parents that I turned out a girl. It would be perfect if I were a boy, and now a man.

Were I a man, I could go anywhere in the world!!

Then I will go.

Even this kind of situation cannot survive. Then there is nothing left to hold onto in terms of belief.

I can accept every present situation as it is. And leave it at that.

I have stated clearly it is a great life tragedy that I should have to find myself among thieves and whores. It seems Beijing is too big while the world is too small. I did not have to deal with this kind of personages when I was back in China. I had to deal with such despicable behavior for such a long time while in this place.

Just like Qian Zhongshu has joked in his book: Paris is too big while the world is too small. Fang could avoid meeting the pretentious lady whose power tended to fall off her face while in Paris, but he could no where avoid that lady’s company while traveling back from America to China.

All of this led me to seriously question the so called quality of the Chinese. Surely these people here cannot represent the Chinese spirt? I would be so ashamed of the quality they have represented here that I have to cover up the fact that I am a Chinese, for their sake, not for my own sake.

That’s one of the reasons why they do not like the kind of Chinese that I represent. I do not make those Chinese fell good about themselves. Neither do I make some unthinking Americans feel good about themselves. Only those Americans who think about things around them appreciate me. And that is the kind of company I want to find.

Birds of a feather flock together. Since we do not flock together, that means we are different after all. It is I who made the initial mistake. I had thought I have found the bird with the same feathers like I have. See, I have always been painting–Paint the Sky with Stars.

Now that explains lots of things away.

Maybe fundamentally many of us do not like the world we find ourselves in, so we paint and imagine. And that is why art was born in the first place.

As a result, any art that represents what is worse off than life much be of extremely bad taste.

By extension, the majority of earthly beings, by that I mean humans, have a miserable existence. They differ only in degree. And that is why they swarm around some positive people like nails to the magnet.

Give me some water! Give me some warmth! Give me some light! They cry.

I remember the first subtitle I gave to Hurston: Create Some Sunshine to Warm Yourself by.

The light bearer.

Light exists among darkness but darkness does not recognize light. The Bible tells us.

The great modernist master Joyce says: darkness lives among light but light does not recognize it.

Modernism has killed any sublime understanding in the world. Everyone is divided even from their selves, from others. Alienation. And then the schizophrenia.